my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
