yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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