some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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