his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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