so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
