I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
