my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
