On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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