so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
God, I missed his penis.
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