My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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