Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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