I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
