You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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