He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
