Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
third nipple confirmed
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
