Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
