i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
