I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
