I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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