We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
