even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
