my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
