The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
