Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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