My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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