I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
