I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
