if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I love having hate sex.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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