I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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