Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
