so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm too high and old for this...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
