Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
