Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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