Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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