He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He did a backflip because drugs
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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