Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
