Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
