mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
