Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hippo gnu deer
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
