non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
