Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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