i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
