rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
