I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
