my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
