Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
