You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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