i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
