He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
