Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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