she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
